Humor

Searchers after fiction haunt strange, far places.

Moderator: Erinys

Post Reply
User avatar
Slasher
Platinum Post
Posts: 6934
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 3:10 am

Humor

Post by Slasher » Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:01 am

I figured I'd try to start a small collections of little ingame jokes and funny stories...
Since I find my own jokes pretty lame, I'd love to see anyone who has something that fits the above description add it.
Image
Image

User avatar
Nspace
Kerbicron Cleric
Kerbicron Cleric
Posts: 4668
Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2005 7:26 pm

Post by Nspace » Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:11 am

So far, the thing that made me laugh the most was when a Human AI named Khan Noonien Singh sent a fleet of Botany Bay class ships after me. :lol: The only thing that could have made it better was if he had included some Enterprise class ships as well. And I dread the day that I see a Nostromo class biowar ship. :lol:
"Quando omni flunkus, mortati" - "When all else fails, play dead"
SotS 1 wiki: http://wiki.swordofthestars.com/sots1/Main_Page
SotS 2 wiki: http://wiki.swordofthestars.com/sots2/SotS2_Codex

User avatar
Slasher
Platinum Post
Posts: 6934
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 3:10 am

Post by Slasher » Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:22 am

Abort the queens cruiser "Righteous Fury of the Divine Queens Fist" prince Tizchatak nervously scowled at the bridges front window at the strange red cruiser that was aproaching. It was the first thing that had happened in the last 15 years. First contact with new species was always a nerve racking experience for him. He had been there when they encountered the Liir. What a mess that had been. He shuddered as a repressed memory tried to force itself on his mind. He forced it down. He could never stand the thought of that many frills. Ever since that incident in Muur, he had been having nightmares about them...

"We're receiving a transmission from the unknown, brother. Its in tarkan." The worker at the comms station chirped. "Give me 2 minutes to run it through the translator."
The worker looked at a screen as a long list of data ran across it.
"Put it on the speakers brother." Tizchatak.
The translators mechanical voice droned over the intercom on the bridge.
"Yo momma's so fat, she curves spacetime!"
There was a stunned silence. Tizchatak heard chazak-rek Rizzikitik, commander of the cruiser "Furious Vengence of the Divine Queen's Holy Wrath", who had been listening in on over the fleets CnC network.
"I vote we shoot this one, brother."
Chazak-rek Rizokatak of the "Holy Fury of the Sacred Queeens Divine Wrath", who had also been listening in, chirped in. "I concour brother."

And thus started the epic 300 years of wars of the Imperial Tarkans and Queen Morninggloom's hive. All due to a tragic mistranslation that was supposed to have read, "Greetings to the sons of the queen so glorious she shapes the universe." which was what the tarkan diplomats had come up with as the best greeting for their first meeting...
Image
Image

User avatar
Slasher
Platinum Post
Posts: 6934
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 3:10 am

Post by Slasher » Sat Feb 17, 2007 1:17 am

"ETA 30 seconds till warp engine shutdown!" The navigator, Habasa Than'Mak proclaimed. Var'Tot Thok'Lau sized up Habasa with a lusty glare. He had only finished the change a few months ago and was rushed into command of the battlegroup. He tried to force the thoughts of her from his mind, as he turned to the front window.
"Just let your officers do the thinking." Var'Tot repeated the words of his mentor to himself. "They know what theyre doing."
The orange shimmer of the warb-bubble past the window disapeared in a flash leaving only darkness barely penetrated by the stars.
"The derelict is straight ahead. 50 kilometers Away, relative speed of -200 meters per second." Habasa calmly read out from her sensor screen.
Var'Tot could barely make out the details on the derelict. Twisted peices of metal floated all around it. Remains of the ship it had once been nodoubt. The intire look of it profoundly bored him as it slowly crept closer. Another strike force had disarmed the derelict 2 years prior. He was just there to provide escort for a group of scientists who had come to study it. His mentor has assured him it would be an easy mission where he could learn the ropes of fleet command. His first mission in fact.
"Aproach vector set, interception in 3 minutes." Habasa continued. Var'Tot slowly walked over to Habasa in the most masculine manor he could muster, which considering he was over 2 meters tall and weighed over 200 kilos, was VERY.
He leaned noschalantly against the wall next to Habasa's console and smiled to her.
She slowly looked up and returned the smile.
"So baby, you busy tonight?" Var'Tot tried a corny oneliner he had found in an old book on dating.
Habasa's smile became slightly mischevious.
Suddenly there was the distinct whine of a large beam cannon firing and a bright purple flash from the window behind Var'Tot.
He spun around just intime to see a large cloud of shrapnel expand from where the derelict had been. He watched in stunned horror as his naval career disintegrated before his eyes, before it had ever really begun.
From down in the back of the bridge, one of the gunners slowly raised his hand. "My bad!"
Image
Image

User avatar
Erinys
Kerberos Goddess of Lore
Posts: 7461
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2005 5:58 am

Post by Erinys » Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:57 am

Slasher wrote:"Yo momma's so fat, she curves spacetime!"


Lol...oh my God. I am so stealing that one.

--Arinn
Support my independent fiction campaign on Patreon.
_______________________________________________
Twitter
Sword of the Stars Gallery on Facebook
“Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.” --Hemingway

User avatar
Blazer
Zuul Survivor
Zuul Survivor
Posts: 1576
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 2:42 pm

Post by Blazer » Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:18 pm

Funny stuff. We had a thread like this going a long while back. I'll dig around a bit and see if I can find it.


Next best thing: I found the wiki page ;)

http://sots.rorschach.net/SotS_Jokes
Pro Bono Populi

"I am constant as the northern star..."

User avatar
Errai's Hero
Posts: 142
Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:42 pm

Re:

Post by Errai's Hero » Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:38 pm

Slasher wrote:"Yo momma's so fat, she curves spacetime!"

That wasn't the Tarkans. That was a black dude sending an insult to the Hivers but hit the wrong language button. :bangdesk:
Dismantel the ground they stand on
Give power a name
You've traveled the path of slander
Now bury the shame

Shed rejection

Learn to Follow the Wolves

Run to the blackened sky, for fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to the shadow of relief
Run to the blackened sky, for fear of disbelief
Run away frum the hollow cries, to immunity

User avatar
Bimasakti
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:11 pm

Re: Humor

Post by Bimasakti » Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:17 pm

Never ask Liir for direction.
Why?
Because they will sing it for you... and YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!
"We have made a breakthrough my Queen! The perfect hologram of a cheese!" claimed a Hiver warrior in a lab

User avatar
Muzzy
Posts: 342
Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:15 am

Re: Humor

Post by Muzzy » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:45 am

Zuul vs. Hypnotoad. That is all.
Image

Verbreiten Sie bösartig Glee

User avatar
fibio
Posts: 2257
Joined: Fri May 11, 2007 5:49 pm

Re: Humor

Post by fibio » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:50 pm

Human 1: Why's a raven like a writing desk?

Human 2: Are you kidding? Those Crow's 'll collect anything.

:roll:
Buy my book - Six Seconds of Moonlight on the kindle store.

Anyone can be a god beneath the moonlight, but who can be a hero?

User avatar
Remnant
Posts: 1065
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:00 am

Re: Humor

Post by Remnant » Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:30 pm

Human 1: Why's a raven like a writing desk?

Human 2: Are you kidding? Those Crow's 'll collect anything.


Morrigi 1: Nonsense! We would not collect "anything"! *huggs his ancient treasure: a worn-out sandal from a roman soldier* "my preciousssss..."
"When the going gets tough - the tough hide under the table"

"Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science"

User avatar
U.E.D.C.
Posts: 587
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:47 pm

Re: Humor

Post by U.E.D.C. » Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:43 am

Audio playback from flight recorder of SFS Hood moments before final battle:
Opps: Sir Five hostile vessles on sensors.
Captain: Ensign! Fetch me my red shirt.
Ensign: Sir?
Captain: Should I be wounded during the battle, the crew will continue to fight.
Opps: Twenty additional targets entering area, Sir.
Captain: Ensign! Fetch me my brown pants!
Mecron wrote:"Hah! We rule the earth!!! Space is stupid anyway!"

The Apprentice
Posts: 2967
Joined: Tue Mar 10, 2009 5:50 am

Re: Humor

Post by The Apprentice » Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:25 am

U.E.D.C. wrote:Audio playback from flight recorder of SFS Hood moments before final battle:
Opps: Sir Five hostile vessles on sensors.
Captain: Ensign! Fetch me my red shirt.
Ensign: Sir?
Captain: Should I be wounded during the battle, the crew will continue to fight.
Opps: Twenty additional targets entering area, Sir.
Captain: Ensign! Fetch me my brown pants!


Hah! :lol:
Feel free to call me App- it's shorter.

User avatar
U.E.D.C.
Posts: 587
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:47 pm

Re: Humor

Post by U.E.D.C. » Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:28 pm

"Mayday, mayday, mayday. This is Bravo 4, we are going down."
The shuttle plummets to the ground, and leaves a huge crater in the ground.
The flight crew survives. Ironicly they are crushed by parts of the shuttle that broke of causing them to crash.
Mecron wrote:"Hah! We rule the earth!!! Space is stupid anyway!"

User avatar
The_Pastmaster
Posts: 1872
Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:37 pm

Re: Humor

Post by The_Pastmaster » Sun Aug 23, 2009 2:48 pm

This takes place during an experimental crew exchange between the Humans and the Hivers and a human officer has been assigned to a hiver Cruiser patrolling the border into Tarkan space.

After a few weeks the sensors starts to blare. A Tarkan War Destroyer is inbound and the Hiver captain turns to the Human officer and says: "Take up across the line. Full power to engines" The Human waits a second for the translation to come through the earpiece before executing the command. Suddenly the ship is propelled forward with amazing speed (For a Hiver cruiser) but in the same moment the power to sensors, weapons and armour dies.

The Hiver captain urn to the Human officer and says: "What the nine hells did you do!"
The officer looks up with a confused look and replies: "What? You said all power to engines and that's what I did"

And that was the end of the Human-Hiver crew exchange.
I realize that pulsars are not part of the Canadian military arsenal, but I find that if you shampoo an angry beaver aggressively with "oily hair" shampoo to dry out it's fur and rub it vigorously against a balloon before flinging it at the enemy with a trebuchet, you get a similar effect.

Eleahen wrote:You are a genius!

Someone said it :twisted:

Post Reply

Return to “Fiction”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests