The Things We Do...

Searchers after fiction haunt strange, far places.

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Day
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The Things We Do...

Post by Day » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:15 am

Forward
I've never been much for fanfic, really. This is my first foray. I've also never finished a story before. We'll see if having an obvious audience helps change that. After this forward, I'll try to refrain from making any kind of commenrary in my story posts (I'll respond to others' posts in non-story posts). I welcome any constructive criticisms, especially if I miss some point of canon already established, and if it's something I agree with, I'll edit the relevant section. I hope everyone enjoys.




He was a desirable mate for many reasons. For one, he was older than she; more experienced, more wise. Secondly, he was attractive. Many princes were attractive, of course, but something about the shape of his wings made her remember him more than others. One could also not forget that the white-with-red-dots pattern on his back and forearms spoke very highly as to his pedigree. Thirdly, even though she had never much gone in for sweaty guy-stuff, and, in fact, had found it annoying when a previous mate had insisted on practicing the use of his dueling blades, for some reason she found this endearing in him.

Then there was the fact that he respected her. Son of the Queen Herself; mated with many of Her eldest, most influential daughters; and with a strong following of his own children across various clans, he very well could have come to her and nearly dictated his own terms. Instead, however, he moved into her city, and joined the local law enforcement academy as a trainer. He tried hard to catch her eye and earnestly wooed her. This, above all else, is what drew her to him.

His name was Morning Sun.


Partly because of the influence of Morning Sun, but also in no small part because she displayed intelligence, restraint and wisdom in leadership, Dappled Forest Floor quickly rose in esteem at court to the surprise of many and the consternation of a few. Eventually, she was given a handful of worlds on the outskirts of her Mother's influence to rule and defend and, if she could, expand in Her name.

Some speculated, Morning Sun among them, that this was a poisoned gift. By supporting the Queen's move of Dappled Forest Floor away from the Imperial capitol, the other princesses were effectively ridding themselves of one some considered a meddling upstart.

Dappled Forest Floor, however, refused to be pessimistic and took to her new charge with a will. Thus, Morning Sun stayed with her and added his advice. Soon the handful of planets was no longer a backwater, but a haven of civilization without the bustle of life near the Imperial Court and all its intrigues. Dappled Forest Floor supported the arts, and commissioned many enormous public works of sculpture, for which her home city became especially famous. Members of other clans would travel to her worlds to catch a breath, slow down and relax from their normal lives, when things got hectic.

Eventually, Dappled Forest Floor and Morning Sun turned their eyes to the distant sparkling lights further away from Her Majesty's realm.
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Tssha
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Post by Tssha » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:36 am

The double-sized break kinda confused me. I wasn't sure if you were shifting perspective (to another character or something) or just changing tone. I also would have used a semicolon instead of the last comma in the last sentence of the first paragraph, but I'm no expert.

Otherwise, it looks like the good foundation of a story. I look forward to seeing where you take this. :)
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him."
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Erinys
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Post by Erinys » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:22 pm

I like the names. Well done.

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OF-pathfinder
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Post by OF-pathfinder » Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:08 am

:thumbsup:

Well done indeed.

g33kst4r
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Post by g33kst4r » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:59 am

Very nice indeed!

A good characterisation and use of the third person/narrative to set the scene.

I like this style alot and would be interested to see where it goes...

/ahem mode on

....looks at own fiction piece with a much more critical eye on characterisation given Day's excellent sampler...

/ahem mode off

:)
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Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere

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Day
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Post by Day » Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:37 pm

Tssha wrote:The double-sized break kinda confused me. I wasn't sure if you were shifting perspective (to another character or something) or just changing tone.

I fought with that for a good while, actually. When i was first writing these parts, I had a tab before each paragraph (except the first) and the double-return was only a single. Kind of a passage of time, but not change of view, really. When I saw that BBCode wouldn't do tabs, I played with all sorts of formatting options. This one seemed the least bad.

Thanks, all, for the encouragement. I should have some more by the end of the week, unless the demo release causes productivity to drop to zero. ;)


->Day<-
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Fourwinds
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Post by Fourwinds » Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:53 am

Been lurking for so long, but I'll make my first foray count.

Please continue :)

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Mecron
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Post by Mecron » Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:07 am

I agree :wink:

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Silveressa
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Post by Silveressa » Sun Sep 17, 2006 11:06 pm

Very nice take on the hiver culture, although I'm not sure aobut the "sweaty guy" comment since insects don't actually sweat. (but then again maybe these aliens secrete a lubricating oil across their carapaces during exercise to facailtate movement?)

All in all an enjoyable read. For your first foray into fiction, you've left me with an interest in seeing more.
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